What's In a Name? That Which We Call ... Shirley

In a mad rush at the grocery store this morning, I spotted a couple little girls motoring along past the pharmacy with their mom. The girls, maybe 7, 8 years old, wore identical white t-shirts with bold black letters: SHAKESPEARE LIVES, it read, with a big ol’ cartoonish head of The Bard.

“Hey! I’m going there,” I said, way too excited, to these complete strangers, who stared blankly at the crazy man who hadn’t shaved in several days. Realizing they might be frightened, I quickly added, “Oh … I’m Gracie’s dad.” But they were gone.

(Sidebar: My wife says I talk too much to strangers. Like last night, we were late for a barbecue and I stopped by Leroy Package Store to get a bottle of Red Cat and ended up talking to the guy at the counter for a few minutes – the guy who grows and sells his own vegetables. Hadn’t seen him for a while. He filled me in on Mike, the kid who used to work there, and how Mike just went off to basic training. Army, I think he said.

I don’t really know Mike at all, but we chatted about him for a bit, then I came out to the car. The kids were singing along with "Smashing Pumpkins." “What were you doing?” my wife asked, all edgy. “Just talking to the guy about Mike, the guy who …” She shook her head as we drove away. Then she made fun of me at the barbecue.)

When I pulled up at Shirley Goodman’s house a few minutes after leaving the grocery store this morning, delivering a bag of ice to keep the ginger ale cold for the Shakespeare Camp final day's performance, I was relieved to see those same two little girls and their mom again. In my world of things needing to even out (see: the "Even Stephen" Seinfeld episode), it was a cleansing moment. So now the little girls and their mom knew I wasn't just some crazy person. Not completely, anyway.

I went onto the porch amid a bunch of elementary school girls, all wearing various colored t-shirts bearing the same bold print and the cartoon cranium. And there was Shirley, dragging a large green cooler out the front door.

Have you met Shirley Goodman? First thing you should know about her is that she’s among the small percentage of legitimately kind human beings walking around our planet. There's no facade. From there, the rest is gravy.

Shirley's a self-deprecating, semi-guileless sort, punctuated with a sarcastic jab. She and her husband Mike have four kids, some cats the number of which I don't actually know, a thundering, lovable mastiff with a urinary tract infection, maybe some rabbits or meerkats or pumas living in her back yard, who knows? You wouldn’t doubt it.

Shirley also has six heads, each going in one of seven directions. It's a trait that endears her to my wife and I, considering that we're familiar with the six-and-seven routine, albeit with half as many kids and, aside from two cats and a mammoth dog of our own, no other pets. (Although, my mother-in-law recently moved in. Have I mentioned that? Maybe a story for another day.)

From my view about halfway up in the Theater of Life (I don't see Shirley close-up every day, of course), she just puts herself out there for others - over and over and over - with a smile on her face.

In her day job (or as some might say, "in her real life"), Shirley Goodman is a special education teacher, perhaps one of the more challenging roles that world offers. People who teach children with disabilities receive a “get in free” card to heaven. If they don't, they should. I, and maybe you, too, don’t currently possess that level of patience.

But what Shirley Goodman does when she’s not drawing a paycheck might be one of the coolest things about her. After work, she volunteers (see: no money) to oversee her school’s drama club. And then there was today, and this week, with Shakespeare Camp.

To fill in some blanks, her little program is actually called Front-Porch Drama. As you might catch from the title, a bunch of young kids, those of her friends, neighbors and other cohorts – I’d guess around 15-20 girls, ages in the 7 to 11 range, and a small handful of boys in that range, too – gathered from 9 a.m. to noon each day this week on Shirley Goodman’s front porch.

As Shirley recently said, laughing, “I call it that because I’m not very creative, frankly. I also call a pencil … a pencil.”

This week on the Goodmans’ front porch, my 9-year-old daughter learned a lot.

* What was it like to be alive in Elizabethan times? Life was hard, and it was short.

* Mrs. Goodman showed them status gestures of the era – the bows and the greetings.

* They worked through the famous “speak the speech, I pray you” scene from Hamlet.

* They learned what Shakespeare was not (“whatcha talkin’ ’bout, Willis Shakespeare”) and what he was (“it’s Greek to me”).

* The kids were given food recipes from the Elizabethan era, then asked to put on a sort of Food Channel program, as they would imagine it might go (my daughter spoke the most about this activity).

* There was an activity centering on the play "The Tempest," after which they sang a song in the round, called, “Man’s Life a Vapor, Full of Woes.” ("He cuts a caper, down he goes! Down he, down he, down he, down he, Down he goes!”) At least the tune is upbeat, if not the lyrics.

* And they played games, making all this stuff I trudged through as a college student – yes, a British literature major, in the early stages – much less daunting and much more fun.

Years later, I’d read, on my own, the complete works of Shakespeare, coming to the conclusion that he remains today the world’s greatest writer. Ever.

Shirley Goodman doesn’t know I think that, but I’d guess she'd agree, at least in part because, in another lifetime, she received a master’s degree from New York University in education theater. Before Mike and the minors and the mastiff and the meerkats, Shirley did regional theater and a little bit of professional acting.

She travelled to England to study the stuff, then came home and sang with the Tri-Cities Opera choir, spent time with the Cider Mill Playhouse crew and the semi-professional New Heights Theater. She even did a one-woman show based on the popular book “Women Who Love Too Much,” called “Women Who Sing Too Much.” (Yeah, she’s funny.)

So, thanks to Shirley Goodman and people like her. They deserve a bottle of Red Cat (or two), and a huge thanks from people like us.

And now for something, well … from Shakespeare’s “As You Like It.”

All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts, His acts being seven ages. (Yes, Rush likes Shakespeare, too.)

You Speak Shakespeare ... As You Like It

Still not interested in Shakespeare? You’d never read that garbage? Too boring? Oh, really?

I found the bit below online. Might surprise you. Take a look. We're all unwitting Shakespeare citers:

“Without rhyme or reason," if you are "in a pickle" because you have been "eaten out of house and home" and even your "salad days" have "vanished into thin air," you are quoting Shakespeare.

You've been "hoodwinked" and "more sinned against than sinning." No wonder you're not "playing fast and loose" and haven't "slept a wink" and are probably "breathing your last." It's "cold comfort" that you're quoting Shakespeare.

If you "point your finger" at me, "bid me good riddance" when you "send me packing" and call me a "laughing-stock," "the devil incarnate," a "sorry sight," "eyesore," and a "stone-hearted," "bloody-minded" "blinking idiot" and wish I were "dead as a door-nail", then I would say that you possess neither a "heart of gold" nor "the milk of human kindness," especially considering that we are "flesh and blood." (Yep, all Shakespeare.)

Now that we have gone "full circle" and you are still waiting with a "bated breath" since I have not been able to make you "budge an inch," it is "fair play" for me to quit this sermon since Shakespeare himself taught me that "brevity is the soul of wit."

It's a "foregone conclusion" that we all speak Shakespeare's language.

Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

This Joe Merrill for Mayor political lawn sign is well placed, as it is on private property.


To the left and right of this frame is something that's seen frequently around the city now. Two signs for the same political candidate on one property. According to city code, this is illegal.


This Matt Ryan for Mayor sign is illegally placed, on city property, between the sidewalk and the curb. This sign must either be moved to the opposite side of that sidewalk, or it must be removed, according to city code.


This Matt Ryan political yard sign is well placed, on private property.


In this photo, there are two political lawn signs on the same property - a violation of city code. (The second sign is more difficult to see in this photo, from this angle. The second sign faces the other street, as this property is a corner lot.)

’Tis the season for political lawn signs, so step right up for your annual lesson on how it can, and cannot go.

So far in the City of Binghamton we’ve been graced by a bevy of Matt Ryan multi-colored signs, and a smattering of Joe Merrill signs. They’re running in a primary to see who gets local Democrats' nod in the booth come November.

So far, both candidates have been in violation of City of Binghamton law, Ryan to a much greater extent. (I was in contact with the City Clerk's office for this article, and mentioned just one Merrill sign I'd spotted that was in violation. Merrill responded in writing immediately.)

"I've already corrected two people (who have placed) mine," Merrill wrote. "I'm probably the worst one yelling about it because I don't need any problems. Please give me a shout if you find any of mine that are not, they will be fixed by the end of the day."

If you cruise the streets of the city, at the moment you’ll see several more Ryan political support signs than those from the Merrill camp. Ryan has more dots on the map, and his signs also violate the city’s code many more times. His people have either placed more than one of his signs on a single property, or they've placed signs on the strips of turf between sidewalks and the street which, technically speaking, is city property.

It was an entertaining exercise calling around to see who knew what about the yard signs.
A quick call to the Broome County Elections office got the following response: “You’ll have to call your town about that.”

Eileen Miller in the Binghamton City Clerk’s Office was, as always, a great help and she sent me via e-mail the following, which lays out guidelines clearly:

Political signs, provided that such signs are not more than 32 square feet in area if located in a commercial or industrial district or four square feet in a residential district; are limited to not more than one per lot; are located entirely on private property pursuant to the owner's consent; are clearly marked with the name, address and telephone number of the person responsible for the removal of such sign; are erected not more than 60 days prior to any general, special or primary election, and are removed within 14 days following such election; and are erected only in the district in which the candidate is running for office.

But I still had a question about the authority to remove the signs.

From the end of 1999 to the end of 2003, I served as Deputy City Clerk for the city. Howard Dugo was my boss, serving as City Clerk. He’d been clerk for several years and knew the routine by rote. I tried calling Howard this week, but he was away on vacation.

I recalled that when I worked with Howard, when we received a complaint call about an ill-placed political sign, we’d send a letter to that candidate’s camp. That contact name, address and phone number was supposed to be affixed to each sign placed throughout the community.

Sometimes they were, but often they weren’t.

Binghamton being a relatively small political realm, however, we usually could find a contact. If they put their sign(s) into compliance (by either moving or removing them, or adding the proper identification information), they were good to go. But many times there would be no action, and the signs would be removed.

Back then, Howard told me that as City Clerk and Deputy Clerk, we had the authority to remove the signs that were not in compliance. I was asked to remove a few – specifically for the Garo Kachadourian City Council campaign, back then – and I did.

Years later, Garo confronted me, saying I “stole” his signs. I told him I was simply doing my job and that the signs were placed on city property. We both eventually got a laugh out of it, especially when he realized I wasn’t about to deny that, “Yes, I removed your signs. It was around noon on a sunny weekday at a very busy intersection. I wasn’t trying to hide anything.”

There were other times when Howard would request that the police officers of the Traffic Division go out and pull signs that were not in compliance with city code. But Eric Denk, who took over as City Clerk after Howard and I left the office, had more information for me.

“The regulations stipulate that political yard signs must be 100 percent on private property,” said Denk, who served as clerk from 2004 to 2006, and is now clerk to the Broome County Legislature. These issues are fielded by personnel who deal with zoning enforcement and code enforcement, he added.

"The City Clerk never really had anything to do with it, on paper," Denk said. "I suspect that the city, in general, didn’t want anything to do with it, so Howard was willing to handle it because he's a nice guy. Back then, City Clerks administered elections so someone probably thought, 'hey, let’s have the City Clerk be responsible for illegal political signs.'"

Denk went on to say that his interpretation of the law is that anything – including a political yard sign – that is placed “in the utility strip (between the sidewalk and the curb) can be considered garbage and can be hauled away.”

I laughed and asked if, then, a private citizen could legally chuck a lawn sign posted in that utility strip. We never really did come to a conclusion, but we agreed it might be akin to someone sifting through your garbage at the curb the night before your pickup.

“Which is also illegal, isn’t it?” I said.

“I think anything that goes to the curb is then, technically, city property,” responded Denk, who served two terms on Binghamton City Council, and who also ran for mayor.

Denk said that there was another area of question when he served as City Clerk.

“When I was clerk, I drafted some language to address properties that did not have sidewalks and/or curbs and submitted it to the city’s Planning Department,” he said, but that change apparently has not yet made it into the city’s code language, which was last updated December 15, 2006.

“If it hasn’t been done yet, it’s my opinion that it should be done in the future,” Denk added.

Ted Tedino returned my call shortly after I spoke with Denk. Tedino works in the city’s Building Bureau. In his voice message, he said that he handles complaints about political signage.

“That’s me. I’ve never had to cite anyone for political signage,” Tedino said. “If they’re in the city right-of-way, then I contact the campaign manager and get them to put it back on the other side of the side walk. That’s the violation.

“If they have more than one, I tell them, get it outta there,” he added.

Tedino also said that before he retired, Chadwick sent letters on July 28 to “all the campaigns,” reminding them of the city guidelines.

So, if you see a political sign on your street, in your neighborhood or, for that matter, anywhere in the city, that does not comply with the city’s laws? I encourage you to contact the proper authorities (Tedino can be reached by calling 772-7004) in order to better hold everyone to the same standard.

And now, for something completely ... well, similar.

Once a jewel, now just a hunk of coal

This week the news came of the shattering of the biggest cocaine operation in our area in 10 years. It wasn't a surprise to me. My surprise is that we don't hear about more drug busts than we do.

That's not to say our local law enforcement officials aren't on the case(s). I know they are, and this one just points up how, when you're sitting across the table from someone, such as Joe Zikuski, Binghamton's chief of police, you really can't be sure what he has on his mind. I suppose it goes with the territory. After all, you're on a "need to know" basis, and frankly, who could trust you and your blabbermouth? (Well, not you. But we all know someone like that. We probably spoke with them just yesterday.)

This months-long investigation is a testament to the deep-roots digging law enforcement types do on a daily basis. They're doing it right now, too. We just don't know the specifics.

Not long ago, Zikuski sat in the meeting room at a credit union on Main Street in Binghamton. That meeting room's windows look back out onto Edwards Street. If you don't know about Edwards Street, in sum, it's rough.

Zikuski being at this meeting was prompted by a group of that neighborhood's citizens who call themselves the Safe Streets Association. They've been around for quite a while, in one iteration or another, but a small handful of common denominators have always been steering. A core membership of SSA has kept a lifeline to City Hall, repeatedly asking for help in fighting a seemingly constant flow of n'ere-do-well dregs and more recently, gang activity and the mayhem that accompanies such a fractured scene.

Also at the credit union table that day was a guy named Jim Slocum. The folks of SSA had mentioned Slocum to me last fall, saying he was investing on Edwards Street, and more recently, that he had purchased one troubled property in particular at the end of Edwards nearest a corner store called Lilliana's. By all counts, as they spoke to me, Slocum was a young speculator with good intent. A decent character.

The lore of Edwards Street said that Slocum had booted members of the street gang called The Bloods from one of his properties, after which they'd paid him back with a smattering of graffiti on the building. He was soon thereafter cited by the city for code violations and ordered to clean the graffiti. I digress.

As a friend of Safe Streets, I've remained in touch with a few of its leaders, getting occasional e-mail and telephone updates. I was encouraged by one leader to contact Slocum to witness how he'd helped the situation on Edwards. Just a few weeks ago, I called him and he talked for a long time about how he'd transformed one of the Edwards buildings he'd purchased into what he called "the nicest apartment you'll find" in the city.

I'm a skeptic, so I accepted his offer for a tour, at some point. I also was interested to hear his strangely juxtaposed story about the day college graduate students moved into his building, as they watched bullet-proof vested Binghamton Police officers execute what was later said to be a search warrant "regarding a dog issue" across the street, a stone's toss from Lilliana's and police-installed surveillance cameras that prompted The Bloods to dub this 'hood "Hollywood."

Meeting with Slocum was midway down my to-do list when I read his name as one of several people arrested in this cocaine bust. My only reaction was to shake my head and laugh. I mean, what else can you do, really? Slocum apparently duped the folks on Edwards who had looked at him as a potentially strong spoke helping turn a sometimes flattened tire. While Slocum gave those around him the appearance of frustration over battling the street gangs, he was allegedly an engaged party in a pretty big coke ring. Beautiful.

I worked for Mayor Rich Bucci back in the late 1990s when the owner of a Main Street, Binghamton, property called to request that the mayor attend a ribbon-cutting ceremony. Bucci was always willing to help promote a new venture, as any pol will do. It's part of the landscape. But as this property owner, calling on behalf of his tenant (the new business owner), continued to press for a media opportunity, Bucci held off. I bore the brunt of the caller's frustration, and as it occurred, I wasn't quite sure why my boss balked. It wasn't the usual. It went on for weeks.

Then I saw the news story about a Main Street, Binghamton, business owner who'd been arrested in a pretty large sting. Maybe it was drugs, perhaps money laundering. I can't recall all the specifics. But I remember seeing photos of a big brick home, cars, ATVs, lots of cash. I finally understood why Bucci stayed away. He couldn't tell me why, at the time, but I got it.

Looking back at the recent meeting in the credit union conference room, I had to laugh. Zikuski and Slocum sat there together, with the appearance of allies in a fight against neighborhood crime. And as was reported to me by a few who attended that meeting, Zikuski and his boss, Mayor Matt Ryan, seemed to downplay the perceived drug traffic on Edwards. Who could blame them, knowing what they knew? They presumably had an X drawn on Slocum, and they at least had a feeling they knew what he was up to. And now we all know.

"What are we going to do now?" said one Safe Streets leader this week in a phone conversation.
Who knows? What happens to Slocum's properties and his tenants who have leases? And what were Slocum's true motivations? Did he think involvement in a cocaine ring might be acceptable, yet street gangs selling weed in store-bought cigars was a blight he just had to battle? Was he engaging in the SSA's activities to "keep his friends close, but his enemies closer?" No telling what he was thinking. So cross Jim Slocum off a fairly short list of positives for this neighborhood teetering on the edge of disaster.

The good news remains, however, that SSA and its members and their associates are tired, but they're gritty as hell. They continue to fight The Bloods and the accompanying "culture" that has wrapped itself like one giant vine coiled around their ankles, uninvited and, most times, unabated.

It may not be immediately apparent that progress is being made there, but as some members of Safe Streets will tell you, with their collective glass half full held high as they can, things have been better over the past month or so.

Of course, everything's relative. "Better than a war zone" isn't exactly what they'd prefer. But the members of SSA see that their street is now more than a footnote, and they fight on.

And now, for something quite the same.

On Father's Day ...

On this Father’s Day, I’m spending an inordinate amount of time thinking of two dads. One is mine. The other is a dear friend I lost to leukemia in April.

Bobby J, or Robert E. Jensen Jr., died in May 2005 after a lifetime of smoking cigarettes and several months of being riddled with tumors. He was one of those dads who’d infuriate you one moment, then ingratiate himself to you, just by being the salt-of-the-earth.

No matter the situation, he had a way of breaking things down to its most common of denominator. He always gave great advice, and he was always there for you, even if it was to tell you that you were full of crap. He was usually right.

When he died, I delivered the eulogy. For years before his passing – my brother and I talked about how it was inevitable, the way the man chain-smoked – I knew the hook to my speech. Who was I going to call?

My father and I had this thing. During a Mets game, at a crucial moment, I’d call and banter. Sometimes we’d swear together at our screens, simultaneously - we're talking about the Mets here, after all. And often, we’d just hang on the phone, silent, and watch the game together.

Maybe a movie we loved would come onto the screen and I’d call. Just a heads up. He’d usually already be watching. Maybe the dog show would be on the MSG network. He loved the doggies. Or during holidays, one of us would call the other with a reminder that the Charlie Brown special was on. We hated missing them.

Then he passed away. Who was I going to call? Charles Turner.

Charles had me by a few years, but his kids were about my kids’ ages. After a rocky and somewhat humorous initial meeting, during which we Alpha-dog barked at each other while coaching at opposite ends of a youth basketball game, we ended up on the same sideline. Charles and I bounced thoughts off one another on a regular basis - about coaching, about kids, about life - and I hope I provided as much of a sounding board for him as he did for me. He was every bit the salt Bobby J was. Then Charles succumbed after a 15-round barnburner with cancer.

So today, Father’s Day 2009, Dad and Charles are right here, their words, their theories and their antics fresh and foremost.

The following was first published in mid-December of 2004. The headline read “My son’s brush with the A-word, and a valuable lesson learned.” It was the epitome of Bobby J and, I suspect, Charles may have agreed with the overall tenet.

My son knows the A-word. And that’s apparently a problem.I’m sure I’m to blame, or maybe it’s my father. Probably both.

From the time the boy was an infant, he’d sit near enough to the two of us as we suffered through Giants football games that he engrained some of the words kids shouldn’t learn until they’re old enough to recite the entire starting offensive lineup.

But as it goes, it’s not a perfect world and, invariably, the Giants lose and things like the A-word and various other lettered words slip through. The upside of all this is that my first-grade son is a fantastic reader. Fact is, just a few weeks ago as my wife and I were seated in tiny chairs across a tiny desk from our son’s teacher, she gave a glowing report. She’d love to have 30 just like him in her class, she told us.

So last week when my son skulked into the kitchen with something to tell about his day at school, it was a little out of character. “He has something to tell you,” my wife said, continuing, “Tell Daddy what happened today.”

He said he didn’t want to, then he started to cry a bit. He was clearly shaken. We went to the living room, sat down and he started his story. “I was in line at lunch,” he said, “and Colin was saying he knew what the A-word was.” Then, he said, another friend mentioned that he, too, knew the A-word. My son, not to be left out, bragged he knew it as well.

“Then what is it?” asked one of the boys, to which my son provided the proof. The problem was, there was a teacher standing behind him and she nabbed all three culprits. The story went that this particular teacher alerted my son’s teacher of the three hoodlums’ transgression. She’d be calling all the boys’ parents that evening, she told them. Most upsetting in all this for my son was that he would potentially "lose Reindeer Day,” a special day set aside at school to draw, read about and construct in craft fashion this season’s most popular mammal.

While my son and I still sat on the couch, my wife hit “play” on the answering machine, and there it was. A message from my son’s teacher, who said she’d call back later. I went to a meeting that evening and missed the call-back, but when I got home, I was briefed. Our son’s retelling had been on the mark. All but for the part where, my wife said, the boy’s teacher made it a point to say that she was following through with all three boys’ parents - because she said she would. My translation? Even the teacher realized that she was committing at least a minor overreaction.

Much more easily than calling kids’ parents to tell them the boys know and used the A-word, she could have taken them aside and mentioned that “we don’t use that word, or words like it in school.” Over time, if it had become a chronic problem, I’d have expected a call. But I already knew my son knows the A-word and some others you shouldn’t use in school, and as I did that evening on the couch, I’ve always told him that, yes, these are words you should not use. There are always better alternatives.

If this isn’t a situation derived from frustrating moments watching football, it might be my wife’s fault. To explain, I like hot and spicy food, so my wife brought home a canister of hot and spicy mixed nuts. On the can was a depiction of a donkey, sometimes known as an A-word. On the can was the slogan, “(A-word)-kickin’ something-something.” My son read it. A few days later he was nailed for knowing it.

I’m not so bothered that my boy knows some of the typically unmentionable words. I’m happy to provide him with guidelines and a few realistic lines you’re not supposed to cross when it comes to the A-word and its cousins. He’s a good boy and I chalk up the lunch-line muttering to a moment of boys being boys. Testing the water. Coming of age. If I’m wrong, then this is certainly my father’s fault.

When I was a kid, someone knocked on our front door. They had a petition for my father to sign. They wanted to ban from the Susquehanna Valley High School library Kurt Vonnegut's “Slaughterhouse Five.” Dad asked if they’d read the book. Not so surprisingly, as such things typically go, they had not. My father had. They left without a signature.

I told my father about the A-word incident. He countered by telling me he’d recently purchased a new Oxford dictionary. His Webster’s version, he said, had been bothering him for a while. When he'd bought that particular dictionary, he mentioned it to a friend. This friend, another word guy, asked my father a few questions.

“Does it have the F-word?” My father said he didn’t know. “Does it have the MF-word?” Didn’t know. “How about the CS-word?” Same answer.

It turns out, Webster failed to include those words. The Oxford version, however, contains them. They’re words that my father said he doesn’t necessarily need or want to use on any regular basis (although he does, as needed). He said he just felt better knowing they're there.

“I’m not sure if that makes sense,” he said, “and if you don’t understand, then I don’t know of a better way to explain it.”

“No, I agree with you,” I told him.

“Good.”

It’s along the same lines as someone banning a book from a library. The Webster people, or people putting pressure on Webster people, at some point decided they’d “keep us safe” from the “bad words.”

“This obsession with words - there aren’t any bad words,” Dad said. “Just lousy people who use certain words to hurt others.” That sentiment might be a more valuable lesson for a child than to place a moratorium on words. Even words beginning with the letter A.

Charles would routinely remind me, after I'd rant about people, in general, "Steve, can you control what other people do?"

"No."

"Who can you control?"

"I get it, I get it."

I hope more kids get to be influenced by people like Bobby J and Charles Turner. These two men might come from different angles, but likely would end up at the same point on most issues.
I was fortunate to be able to call both of them.

------

Happy Father’s Day to my friends and family …

* Matt, Donald and Matthew
* Mario and Michael
* Hank
* Mike and Scott
* Tom, Bob, Bill, Bernie, Randy and Tom
* Victor, Art and Peter
* Wes, Tim, Derek and Jose
* Brook, Pop, Dane and Scott
* Mike, Christian, Randy, John and Bill

And to every other Dad who’s enjoyed this day.

The Curious Case of Victor Salcedo

Shown here are interior photos of properties owned (and rented to college students) by Victor Salcedo, who was arrested because he missed a court date to answer charges of chipped paint.

Or as I like to call it, "What in the bloody name of Touchdown Jesus is going on with the city's Code Enforcement Department?"
Spoiler: This story culminates with Victor Salcedo being handcuffed at his home, taken to the city lock-up, where he was put behind bars.

Granted, this entry is a long one, but then again, Salcedo's journey is, too.

Full disclosure
1. I consider Salcedo to be a friend.

2. Salcedo and I argue weekly about politics, social issues and his affinity for mini vans (although the upgrade to the shiny, newer one is a vast improvement over the old, piss-yeller transport my children still refer to as The Magic School Bus).

3. I have coached (and during said practices, yelled at) his children in basketball.

4. And years ago, while I worked for Mayor Rich Bucci, and Salcedo was the chairman of the local Independence Party, I strongly advised Bucci, a Republican, to politely decline Salcedo's offer to endorse Bucci in a re-election campaign. Over some Red Cat in my dining room, I have since come clean to Salcedo about that.

5. I consider Salcedo one of the brightest bulbs in the pack. He is also an eccentric. My wife says she understands why he and I get along.

I also have been inside one of Salcedo's rental properties, as has my wife. We agreed we'd love to live there. It's meticulously cared for, and immaculately updated throughout.

Now, at the same time, I've also chided Salcedo for falling behind on mowing his lawn(s) while he battles the city's code meanies (OK, singular, not plural), and there have been moments when we've clashed over his tack in "fighting back."

But by-and-large, the man has great points, and he certainly has made major investments in the city, to the clear betterment of whatever neighborhood in which his properties sit.

What follows is one version of how things have unfolded in ... The Curious Case of Victor Salcedo.

Order to Comply
March 18, 2008
Issued by Chris Schleider, city code enforcement officer
Stated re-inspection date: On or before May 16, 2008 (3 p.m.)

In layman's terms, Salcedo was socked with some code violations at one of his properties, this one on Seminary Avenue.

Letter to Code
March 30, 2008
From Salcedo, to Dave Chadwick, director of code enforcement requesting a July 30, 2008 extension date.

Salcedo complies with most of the violations (April 9, 2008). According to Salcedo, a contractor completely reconstructs the side porch roof of the property in question, and installs new soffit and fascia where damaged. Meanwhile, Salcedo reports that another contractor helps prime and paint the new deck fascia and door trim(s).

Re-Order to Comply
May 8, 2008
Said Salcedo, "This was the last article of paperwork ever received from either Code Enforcement or City Court, or any other agency in City Hall regarding this alleged continuing violation."

From there, Salcedo notes that Chadwick grants an extension, to be performed on or before June 15, 2008 (3 p.m.)

Salcedo notes here that Schleider, the inspector for the case, chooses to completely ignore the new side porch roof and repairs, fluted moulding, plinths, decorative blocks, and new architectural metal house number plaque adorning both front doors at the Seminary property.

"He also ignored the aluminum fascia on the new front porch," Salcedo says. "There are absolutely no updates, observations or remarks recorded by Chris Schleider regarding work performed and completed at (the property) to date, which has brought the property to exterior compliance. I consider this a glaring failure on his part and, via this disconnect, a huge disservice to due process.

Yadda yadda yadda ... Salcedo alleges he is harassed via telephone by Schleider.

"Over the course of several days, I received very early morning phonecalls (7:45 a.m.), repeated voicemails, and hang-up calls from Chris Schleider demanding that copies of estimates and contracter contracts be faxed to him at his office," Salcedo says. "I told him I don’t have a fax machine. He demanded they be mailed then. I considered this a presumptious, invasive and absolute abuse of municipal authority.

"Strangely enough," Salcedo adds, "Schleider records making some of these phone calls in his reinspection reports."

Appearance Ticket
August 29, 2008
Issued by Chris Schleider on August 29, 2008 at 3:10 p.m. for a court appearance date, scheduled 1:30 p.m. September 18, 2008. Violation stated therein: “Failure to maintain structure.” Specific violations are "missing or invisible address numbers," "unstable, rotten side porch roof," "broken siding," "peeled and chipped paint."

Work in Progress
Salcedo reports that the following work was performed: painting, woodwork, aluminum wrapping of windows, as of September 15, 2008. The work is performed by a contractor, and Salcedo says he is able to produce a signed invoice and estimate sheet dated August 28, 2008.

Salcedo also says he completed more than half of the house’s windows on or about September 3, 2008. He says he has photos to prove this.

Accusatory Instrument
September 9, 2008
In this report is stated that Salcedo “... allowed paint on trim to be worn and chipped and siding to have breaks."

Meeting of the Minds
September 11, 2008
Salcedo says an impromptu meeting occurred between him and Schleider at the property in question.

"I very civilly expressed dissatisfaction as to how (he) had handled this entire bureaucratic episode thus far," says Salcedo. "Upon calling him the moment I see him across the street, and after I introduce myself to him for the first time, I remember saying, 'Do you not see all the work completed here? And that is still obviously ongoing? Did you notice the new roof? The new windows? Where’s the chipped paint on the 26 brand new windows? Do you not remember what this house used to look like?"

Court Appearance #1
September 18, 2008
"I was fully prepared to personally appear and document all the work already performed, my good-faith performance and conscientious ownership of (the property in question) over the years, before and after photographs, dated work orders, and argue the finer points of my chronological compliance and correspondence with City Hall," Salcedo says. He contrasted that approach to what he called Schleider's "obsession over chipped paint."

According to Salcedo, Brian Seachrist, the city's assistant corporation counsel, did not allow Salcedo to offer full input. Instead, says Salcedo, Seachrist argued on his behalf to Judge Seiden for another extension so that Salcedo could complete "everything" by November 13, 2008.

Additional Estimate
October 10, 2008
The estimate for the work to be done on the remaining windows is received from a contractor.

Court Appearance #2
November 13, 2008
According to Salcedo, the case was "tabled and adjourned by Brian Seachrist to May 8, 2009 to account for the terrible winter weather now and to come." Salcedo says he received nothing in writing through hand delivery or via mail. He showed for court, he says, wasting his time.

Court Appearance #3
May 8, 2009
Salcedo admits that he simply spaced this one. "I forgot about it," he said, adding that he did not receive any notice by mail, e-mail or telephone. "Nothing in writing was ever handed and/or mailed to me at any point, by either City Court, Code Enforcement, or any other agency in City Hall so as to notify and/or confirm for me this adjourned and rescheduled court date assigned to me six moths prior."

Amazed yet? Oh. Stick with me. It gets better, beginning ... right about now.

Bench Warrant: Victor Salcedo
May 8, 2009
A generalized, undated document. Signed by Judge Seiden. Go arrest Victor Salcedo. Book 'im, Dano. Toss him into a cell with a gang-banger nabbed the night before from over Court Street way.

So, Salcedo's worked along with the city's druthers to update a property once a heap of crap and now a desirable living location for discerning college students, and Seiden, assigned by the mayor to replaced the shamed Bob Murphy, puts out the dragnet.

Is this a reasonable application of municipal power and resources in the handling of a missed, re-scheduled court date regarding “chipped paint” that was never served? Hell, even the two police officers probably felt stupid following through on this one.

After Salcedo was processed, he was asked by a police officer if he was suicidal. He said he laughed. Soon thereafter he appeared in front of a different city court judge, Bill Pelella, who, according to Salcedo, was surprised about the turn of events. He sent Salcedo home and rescheduled him for his code court date. According to Salcedo, Pelella said essentially this: "Wow. OK. This is Judge Seiden’s deal. I’m simply going to assign this a new court date for May 21st. Thank you, Mr. Salcedo.”

Oh, another thing ... the bench warrant was mailed to Salcedo May 14, 2009. He was arrested at his home at 9:07 a.m. May 15, 2009.

The mailed bench warrant? That arrived in the mail ... around 3:15 p.m. May 15, 2009 (6 hours after he was arrested).

Apparently, there were no other warrants available in the stack this fine day. I, for one, feel better knowing a louse like Salcedo was ... OK, I can't even joke about it.

So, Salcedo was treated as a flight risk. Then he gets another court date from Pelella (who, of course, is an innocent bit player in this comedy).

Salcedo, like a lot of people would have been, was outraged. As an outspoken critic of the current mayor and his minions, few would consider him paranoid to say he was targeted. Count me in that camp.

After all, several former employees at City Hall, with whom I worked while employed there from 1996 through the end of 2003, have shared with me a sentiment that covers all their commentaries about working under the current "leadership." Best summed up as: "You wouldn't even believe it ..."

So Salcedo contacts the media, and within its small window, Channel 34 does a story. To be fair, this isn't the type of story a TV newscast can tell well in 60 to 90 seconds, which is a long, long story by TV news standards. Meanwhile, the local newspaper is willing to listen, but the Press & Sun-Bulletin, for a reason not known to me, shies away from a lot of "political" stories these days.

Something I found interesting in the development of the Channel 34 story, though, was an e-mail sent to the station's reporter, Jan Carabeo, from Andrew Block, the mayor's community relations director.

Note that the following e-mail is verbatim (I took out the exact address of Salcedo's property, though), including incorrect spelling and court date errors. It was sent on May 15, 2009. (I broke up the paragraphs to make it easier to read.)

From: Block, Andrew
Sent: Friday, May 15, 2009 2:38 PM
To: CARABEO, JAN
Subject: comment from City

Hello, Jan,

I just called your phone, but only got your machine. Please see my email below.

I was informed by Corp. Counsel that you were seeking the City’s comment on a story concerning Victor Salacedo. Please see the below for background on this matter. Please also consider it our comment on the matter.

“Victor Salacedo was cited for code violations at (his property) for failure to maintain the exterior structure, which is in violation of the New York State Property Maintenance Code and our local ordinance. He was given a notice of violation on March 18, 2008. He was given until May 16, 2008 to complete the work.

He was granted several extensions and the work was never completed. He first appeared in court on September 18, 2008. He pled not guilty to the violation and was granted an extension until October 30, 2008. On October 30, 2008 he appeared again in court and the work was not complete.

He was given another extension to November 13, 2008; the work was still not completed but considering the inclement weather in November, the matter was again put off until May 7, 2009.

Mr. Salcedo failed to do any more work on the property and also failed to appear in court on May 7, 2009 as directed. A bench warrant was issued by City Court for his failure to appear on May 7, 2009. It is our policy to enforce City laws fairly and equitably, and we will to do so."

Best,
Andrew Block
Director of Community Relations, Office of the Mayor
38 Hawley Street - Fourth Floor, City Hall

Binghamton, NY 13901
Office: (607) 772-7001
Mobile: (607) 343-3670
Fax: (607) 772-7079
awblock@cityofbinghamton.com

Seems incorrect to have stated, on the record to a media outlet, that Salcedo "failed to do any more work on the property ..." Fairly judgmental on Block's part. Ironic.

According to Salcedo, "The aluminum wrap for the remaining windows was pre-cut and pre-bent inside the garage of (my property) during the cold, winter months. How in the world would Block know what I was doing during the winter months? Did he bother to ask? No."

For the enter lay of the land, as it were, let's take a look at all the work performed by Salcedo, or by contractors on his behalf, at his Seminary Avenue property:

* New boilers, 2 of them 2004 WINTER
* Updated plumbing 2004 WINTER
* New electric service 2004 WINTER
* New vinyl windows, 25 of them 2004 WINTER
* New front doors, 2 of them 2004 WINTER
* Completely renovated interior & esthetics 2004 WINTER/SPRING
i.e.: ornamental woodwork, period ceilings, updated wiring, overhead lighting, wired smoke detectors, plastering and sheetrock, refinished wood floors, updated kitchen cabinetry, ornamental scrollwork, painting.
* Siding and flashing repairs 2004/2005
* New garage doors, two of them 2005 SPRING
* New driveway 2005 SPRING
* New driveway apron 2005 SPRING
* Updated gas service and main move 2005 SPRING
* New wrap-around porch 2005 SUMMER/FALL
* New landscaping, PHASE 1 2005
* Masonry work/stone wall, PHASE 1 2005
* New garage roof 2006
* New fencing 2007
* New main roof 2007
* New side porch roof 2008 SUMMER
* New soffit and fascia repairs 2007/2008
* New landscaping, PHASE 2 2008 FALL
* Fencing ADDITIONS 2008
* Fluted exterior door moulding 2008 SUMMER
* Aluminum window trim 2008 SUMMER/FALL
* Decorative porch elements 2008 FALL/2009 SPRING
* Masonry work/stone wall, PHASE 2 2008 FALL/2009 SPRING

Salcedo says the exterior and surrounding landscape at his Seminary Avenue property are still works in progress, but he adds that his progress has been consistently impeded by gyrations from City Hall.

"The history and clear intent of my continued renovation activity at the Seminary Avenue property matters just as much as how a bench warrant for my arrest is handled by the Warrant Division of the Binghamton Police Department," Salcedo claims.

"Civil liberties and due process do not take a second seat to housing court business, good faith correspondence, and attempted penalty extractions by a mayor or a code enforcement officer with, respectively, a clearly selective, discriminatory, and illegal spot-assessment track record and a clearly-voiced hatred for student housing providers on the West Side."

There's more, of course. But perhaps for another day.

Meanwhile, in this curious case, unfortunately for Salcedo, these types of events have gotten old. After all, he's not getting any younger.

And now ... something completely different.

The Truth About Horses' Asses

As we look ahead to another historic event, and a pretty cool area connection to next Saturday morning's scheduled Space Shuttle Endeavour launch, it's also important to read our e-mail with discretion. In other words, as author Ernest Gaines once wrote, question everything.

This week Owego Free Academy graduate Doug Hurley prepares to pilot the shuttle out of Kennedy Space Center (7:17 a.m. June 13), so when I received an e-mail over the weekend from my Uncle Mario (who, maybe coincidentally, is retired as a career engineer and parts designer for Grumman), there was a strange connection. The e-mail was pretty cool. An interesting read.

But in all those cases where things just seem to fit together too perfectly (if you're a parent who's ever tried to assemble a kid toy on Christmas eve, you know what I'm saying), things don't work like that.

Here's a spoiler. What you're about to read isn't completely true. Pieces of it are, and it's pretty creative and offers an opportunity to take a well placed shot at anyone who's ever been in charge of anything. But as my good friend Paulie likes to say, "Love the Snopes.com." So without further adieu ... here's a bit about a bunch of horses' asses.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the U.S. railroads. Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long-distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old, rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long-distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder "What horse's ass came up with it," you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story: When you see a space shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major space shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over 2,000 years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horses' asses control almost everything. And current horses' asses are controlling everything else.

With a nod to the late Paul Harvey, and thanks to "The Snopes," you may now have the rest of the story.

Riddle Me This: Mike Vick and Pedophiles

My apologies: Yes. There is a Tony Massar appearance in this video.

As I so often remind my children, be aware of what's happening around you at all times.

Perusing the blog of New York Giants free agent George Wrighster recently, the veteran tight end "twitted" that he didn't get it, referring to the equational balance that sends a person found guilty of abusing dogs to jail for two years, while many child molesters receive far less jail time. Some, none at all.

Michael Vick, former NFL star of the Atlanta Falcons, and a quarterback who, despite having been maligned the past two-plus years, nearly secured for that franchise the league's Holy Grail (the Falcs lost Super Bowl XXXIII to the Denver Broncos, 34-19). You likely recall that Vick was sentenced in December 2007 to serve 23 months in federal prison and three years' probation for his role in a dogfighting conspiracy.

To many, Vick was (is) a bad man. So two years later, we tune in to see any one of a number of TV news crews parked outside Vick's home as he tries to start his new life.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the City of Binghamton is inundated with pedophiles who have "done their time" and who are funnelled back into our society, dotting the landscape with festering little red marks on Internet maps. Regardless of the level at which the state's criminal justice service assigns to these dregs, post-conviction, these sex offenders continue to be a potential threat to children, in addition to the damage they've left in their collective wake.

We see it on TV shows like "To Catch a Predator," we read it in the news and we hear about it in our neighborhoods. Not long ago, in fact, just a day after a teen-aged girl was the target of a scumbag attempting to whisk her into a van somewhere in Endicott, my elementary school-aged son let me in on another incident that occurred just blocks from our home.

During his daily after-school call to my office, he mentioned a female classmate who had been the target of an adult male - he followed her, he chatted her up, as the story went - within blocks of their school. It wasn't friendly banter, and the little girl was rattled.

The girl reported the incident immediately upon her arrival at the school. Her mother was called in, my boy said. His classmate cried a lot. Something she'll likely remember the rest of her life.

I have a solid rapport with our principal, so I e-mailed him to ask about the situation. He let me know that it was more "harassment" than it was an attempt at anything else. A couple days later, we received an official school district letter, saying as much.

Within a week of all this, I gave a ride to one of my son's sports teammates. We were off to practice that day. The incident with their classmate was still fresh in their memories.

"He lives right there," said my son's friend, as she settled into our back seat. She pointed to the house across the street from hers. Even with my old rag-arm, I could have thrown a baseball through the guy's ratty front window.

"He's really weird," she added.

There's a fine line between arming our children with confidence, attitude and the awareness that there are bad people out there, as opposed to having the kids live in fear. My wife and I have an ongoing conversation about this and unfortunately, it's a necessary evil when you look at charts that tell you Level 3 and Level 2 pedophiles are your neighbors.

When it comes to convicting sex offenders of all levels in the state of New York, just how much time they serve in prison depends on the type of crime, it depends on the guidelines in the state's law(s), and it depends on human beings' discretion - that of a judge and/or prosecutor. For this reason it's important to support the appointments and elections of judges who will push for the strictest penalties for sex offenders, and despite recent news that it's becoming less and less likely to happen in this state, civil confinement for the most dangerous offenders upon their release from prison.

In the meantime, educate yourself. As I so often remind my children, be aware of what's happening around you at all times.